I always wanted a daughter.
I had a dream about her once, before I was pregnant with her. My husband and I were in bed. It was morning. There was a toddler with curly hair in our bed in just a diaper. She was giggling hysterically and hiding in our sheets demanding we play Peek-a-boo. Demanding it. We were happy and played along.
I remember the dream vividly because I woke up crying. I woke up missing her even though we had never met.
It was so strange. I was also in a bad place emotionally, after losing a pregnancy. That dream has never left me, as strange as it is to remember a non-existent child so vividly.
I never realized it was my daughter in that dream until this morning. She was in our bed giggling, the same giggle from my dream, and I felt a deja vu moment that haunted me all day.
I wonder if it is possible that she visited me in my dream. Can souls do that? Meet you before and after you know them in this world? I don’t know. But I met her before, somehow.
Back then, while we waited for two lines on the pregnancy tests, I wished for a little girl and I prayed for one. I know, we are supposed to say that we don’t care. That we want a healthy baby, blah blah blah. I didn’t. I said what I meant. I was specific.
I even googled how to conceive a girl if that does not make me sound even more insane. Missionary is recommended. But insane or not, it worked.
I actually said out loud that this daughter of mine would have brown hair and blue eyes. I know, who says that? Me.
My wish came true. I have no idea how, but it did. My husband likes to tell me, I got everything that I wanted right down to her eye color. My daughter has brown hair and blue eyes. And I have no idea why. I am not a geneticist but my husband has brown eyes and I have green eyes. But I still got my wish.
With that said, wishes can come true and nothing is impossible. However, when I made my wish, I forgot to mention that I wanted a sweet little girl, not a monster.
I should have said that my little angel was going to listen. That she was going to be sweet and kind and even gentle.
But no, I got sweet and sassy. I got funny and independent, and angry. She is like a half-lit firecracker. You don’t know when she is going to explode but you are always on edge despite how calm she can get.
I guess these qualities make her real. They make her special. They make me love her and find humor in how her big personality unfolds in time.
These qualities make her more like me than I imagined her to be. She is my mini-me.
I can only imagine what she will be like as a teenager. But I have a decade to find out.
Well played karma, well played.